During the dark days of quarantine, I saw a tweet and it’s stuck with me ever since. “Your summer body is the one that quarantined to flatten the curve, the one that fed a community, the one on the frontline, the one suddenly homeschooling, the one trying to make ends meet, the one that survived COVID. Your current body is worthy of sunshine. Your body is good.” - Christyna Johnson, MS, RDN, LDN WOW! This tweet caught my attention because it was warm and gentle and kind, and really should be the same tone I use when speaking to myself. We’re always our own worst critics, and sadly I know this mentality all too well. When friends confide in me or seek advice from me, I try my hardest to be kind in the delivery of my opinion but also staying true to my word. When I speak to myself? WHEW *insert winded Spongebob meme* I am intentionally malicious and use my weaknesses against myself in an awful attempt to prove some sort of disillusioned point. This behavior is obvious in multiple scenarios.
Those are only three examples I came up with on a whim, and I know I could conjure up another ten. Do you ever creep on your own Facebook and Instagram page and think, “I wonder what people see when they look at my page?” Don’t lie- you know you have. I’m 100% admitting I’ve done this (really to see what colors show up the most on my page HAHAHA), and truthfully I feel like I’m living a double life. The Whitney that Instagram sees is always being basic with either a cocktail or Starbucks in hand, and Roscoe in the other. And in real life I’m extremely pessimistic and I’m not as social or outgoing with strangers like I used to be. And even worse, I’m so cruel to myself and it’s truly unfair to my own well-being. Since I moved up to Columbus, it’s apparent that I’ve packed on a few pounds. Some could say it’s “relationship weight,” or maybe just my body changing as I grow older. I think with my depression having its routine ups and downs, the weight gain is probably normal, but that doesn’t make me feel better about the point I’ve gotten to. Point blank, I LOVE food. I enjoy baking and cooking, trying new recipes, and going to new bars or restaurants (pre-COVID days WAAAA). Food is a necessity, but I know that I sometimes rely on it for comfort and use the phrase “treating myself” as an excuse to overeat in an attempt to make myself happier. Then I end up feeling worse! There was a point in my life where I calculated every single piece of food I consumed and even what I drank! Senior year of college I lost 20 pounds and while I loved being a ~ skinny legend ~ looking back I truly was so damn skinny! I didn’t stop monitoring my eating until I reached 130 pounds. The motivation honestly became an obsession over time. Eventually I gained allllll of the weight back and more, but shit happens. LIFE HAPPENS. I’m not 22 anymore with a flexible schedule that allows me to work out for 2+ hours a day. And that’s absolutely normal! At one point during quarantine, I gave myself a hard, long look in the mirror (the drunk girl in the bathroom kinda look), and I told myself that I couldn’t continue with the unhealthy habits I’ve allowed myself to form the last few years. So on May 18th, I downloaded MyFitnessPal, and I started counting calories and working out again. Not to get back to that insecure-130 pound-Whitney, but to educate myself on how I was fueling my body, and encourage myself to get out and move. Adam and I would walk almost every single day when I was working from home. Sometimes even up to 4 miles! We don’t have to exhaust ourselves beyond capacity, but setting time aside to take care of ourselves should be the goal. I started reading food labels again, and enjoying my meals. Not shoving my face in 2.5 seconds. And I’ve gotta say… I feel way better. Taking the time to make myself a healthy and nutritional meal is such a beautiful way to practice self-love, and it doesn’t involve bath bombs or face masks. Every Sunday I set time aside in the morning to get on Pinterest and find recipes for my meal preps, and then I head to Trader Joe’s. Side note: their groceries are not that expensive, and the quality is SO. GOOD. I can’t believe I just started shopping there for real! And instead of rushing through the aisles of my local Kroger, I actually look forward to going to the grocery store now. It’s all about perspective. As time goes on, and I’m getting older, I consistently find new ways to love and forgive myself. It’s okay if we gained weight during quarantine or as we left our twenties. For me, it’s those little decisions I’ve challenged myself to make every day that have left me feeling less bloated and guilty about eating and drinking. My goal is to lose some weight because I personally would feel more confident and comfortable in my clothes. Will I go back to being 130 pounds? I think TF not, but toning up from my CycleBar workouts certainly isn’t a negative in my book! “Your body is good.” If you’re reading this blog post, I challenge you to spend some time loving yourself this week. Take a walk outside, listen to a podcast or your favorite playlist, and make yourself a delicious meal. Spend time on YOU. You absolutely deserve it.
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